Not Good News

My numbers were low. 46 to be exact. That is only a 16pt. increase from Thursday. The doctor told me it's most likely a destined miscarriage. So, now I wait - but this time, it's not for results... but for that horrible, empty pain that comes from a pregnancy loss.

I am just numb. There is no other way to put it. Why the f*ck do I have to go through this?! TWICE?! Are you kidding me? I look around at the millions of people that clearly don't deserve children, who don't have their lives together, who live on welfare, you name it... busting out kids left and right like it's there job. Why me? Why so many others who are deserving? I just don't get it and never will. I know "God has a plan" and I really do believe that. I just don't know how this kind of hurt and anguish can ever make sense, even in God's plan.

The only glimmer of hope in this terrible situation is that my doctor has a plan for me. She thinks my short leutal phase (9 days) can be fixed with Clomid, a fertility drug that is widely used. It's prescribed for 2 reasons: to induce ovulation in women who do not ovulate on their own; and to lengthen short leutal phases. My leutal phase is not allowing implantation to occur like it needs to. My uterine lining begins to shed too quickly before it has a chance to implant and start growing. This is my doctor's theory, and I have to say, has been my gut feeling the whole time.

I'm going in this month (either the 24th or sooner) to discuss the treatment. Most likely it will be a few days of Clomid at the beginning of the cycle and then progesterone once I ovulate. There are many successes on Clomid and I just hope I can be one of them. Another loss, I think, would put me at the end of my rope.

Please pray for us. We need it.