Depression

It's safe to say I have felt depression this past week. To me, depression is not a state of being that one can control or talk their way out of. It's not just feeling sad or down in the dumps. It's like a reflex that cannot be controlled and consumes you.

I hate that I have been feeling depressed for more than just the obvious of it SUCKS. I hate it because I am able to separate my mind from the situation right now and try to look on the brighter side... what's to come. But my body doesn't give a rat's a$$ that my mind is moving forward at all.

I start crying at random times, many times unprovoked. I do tend to get the crying urge more when I'm alone or feeling lonely. However, other times I just start crying in the middle of being busy or even with other people. And it's not even when I see babies or something like that. It's just a reflex. I have a permanent knot in my throat and at any given moment, I am liable to burst into tears.

I have had a really hard time picking myself up. I have tried really hard, too. I have tried to keep myself busy. I've tried to surround myself with friends/family. I've gone out to eat a few times and tried to maintain a normal life. D even took me shopping yesterday and I got some great new clothes for work, new shoes, and went to a nice dinner. I have not been just sitting around moping all day... but inside, I am miserable. No matter what I'm doing, I am feeling terrible. I'm exhausted, emotionally, mentally and it's taken a physical toll, too. My mind is not all there in whatever I'm doing. I do not feel like myself.

I know that it takes time to grieve and I need to take it one day at a time. Believe me, I know. I've been through this before. Even though my mind is feeling more optimistic this time around, my emotions are way worse than the first miscarriage I had (and that's pretty hard to beat). I don't know if it's because I've realized there is a problem with my body and yes, there is a CHANCE that I may never be able to carry a child. I have hope that I will, but that is always in the back of my mind.

People have told me I have the "good problem." Apparently, it's good that I can GET pregnant, but can't carry the baby? Really? This is the GOOD problem? Sorry, but to me it seems like a *slightly* better alternative to have problems getting pregnant but can carry the baby when you do get pregnant. There are so many possibilities out there that can help a woman conceive, but there are not nearly as many opportunities to help a woman carry that child. And both problems suck, if you ask me. I don't have the "good problem."

I just wanted to write out my feelings because I had hope that it might help me in some way. I'm not sure if it did... I guess we will see. It has been a miserable week and the weekend has been pretty sucktastic, too, for more reasons than just this.